Blank Pages

looking at the white of this page

is like looking out across the fields

of never ending snow

white... 

with exception that this 

page is blank

waiting for all that is in my heart to 

finally give way to words

the fields tell a story of

 trees,fence posts and drifts

~~

This past year was one of loss

not the never healing kind that comes with death

but the kind that comes from betrayal

the kind that comes when a friend (or two)

 that you call a "best friend" or bff

suddenly shoves you out of her life

returning all of your things - 

costing you a job you loved

 - with no word 

you don't have to be married 

to know the feeling of 

divorce

~

the kind of loss

 that comes when someone

that you have only tried to love

to be there for 

and to help

SLAMS the door in your face

cuts you off without a trace

~

so you ponder 

every aspect of your friendship

over the last few years and wonder

what lead you to this point

and you ask questions of her

you ask questions of those that you have mutually in common

you ask questions of some that you thought would have your back for sure

still the questions remain 

unanswered

~

you ponder

over your lifetime

has anyone ever

stood their ground for you

knowing that it would cost them something

stood up and said

NO YOU ARE WRONG

you don't know her at all

I think back over the times that 

I have had friends backs

I was adamant

I was vocal

and no matter what

I WAS RIGHT

the accusations were false

I take time to get to know my friends

inside and out

and when push comes to shove

I will HAVE THIER BACKS!

but in pondering

I realize that in reality

I have never known 

ANYONE

to have ever

HAVE "MY" BACK

its heart wrenching

I put great value on 

"friendship" 

and when its 

tossed away like trash 

I can't just let it go! 

It eats at me

"what did I do", "what did I say" 

"what didn't I do", "what didn't I say"

and on and on

so if I seem reclusive 

its because

of loss

and even loss in the faith

of humans as a race.

I know I shouldn't care so much

but I have a big heart

too big

I'm not sure how to fix that