looking at the white of this page
is like looking out across the fields
of never ending snow
white...
with exception that this
page is blank
waiting for all that is in my heart to
finally give way to words
the fields tell a story of
trees,fence posts and drifts
~~
This past year was one of loss
not the never healing kind that comes with death
but the kind that comes from betrayal
the kind that comes when a friend (or two)
that you call a "best friend" or bff
suddenly shoves you out of her life
returning all of your things -
costing you a job you loved
- with no word
you don't have to be married
to know the feeling of
divorce
~
the kind of loss
that comes when someone
that you have only tried to love
to be there for
and to help
SLAMS the door in your face
cuts you off without a trace
~
so you ponder
every aspect of your friendship
over the last few years and wonder
what lead you to this point
and you ask questions of her
you ask questions of those that you have mutually in common
you ask questions of some that you thought would have your back for sure
still the questions remain
unanswered
~
you ponder
over your lifetime
has anyone ever
stood their ground for you
knowing that it would cost them something
stood up and said
NO YOU ARE WRONG
you don't know her at all
I think back over the times that
I have had friends backs
I was adamant
I was vocal
and no matter what
I WAS RIGHT
the accusations were false
I take time to get to know my friends
inside and out
and when push comes to shove
I will HAVE THIER BACKS!
but in pondering
I realize that in reality
I have never known
ANYONE
to have ever
HAVE "MY" BACK
its heart wrenching
I put great value on
"friendship"
and when its
tossed away like trash
I can't just let it go!
It eats at me
"what did I do", "what did I say"
"what didn't I do", "what didn't I say"
and on and on
so if I seem reclusive
its because
of loss
and even loss in the faith
of humans as a race.
I know I shouldn't care so much
but I have a big heart
too big
I'm not sure how to fix that
