Bits and Pieces - a try at stand up comedy

Bits n Pieces

LATELY I am realizing that wow people are brutal – just plain mean spirited – I thought about therapy but then I realized why tell my troubles to some over schooled overpaid book learned individual when I can pour my heart to many other individuals who are also broken and broke but want more than anything else in the world JUST to make people smile if only for a little while –

Most of you know who I am – but we will get to that later on in my bits n pieces

Heated Seats –

How awesome if our heated seats recognized us when we jumped into our vehicles – Hey I know that ass he/she likes it 73 degrees ahhh with a touch of lumbar right there Radio tunes to Barry White- pretty soon things are heating up- (if ya know what I mean)

Dressing School –

I have always told my friends I was going to open Debbies Dressing School the art

Of WHAT NOT TO WEAR in public – Like some of the fashions from the 80s –

Seriously we left them there for a reason – Not everyones body is made to wear spandex n leg warmers

Leave that for the girl in flash dance –

When you get ready to leave your house and you don’t take time to look in the mirror don’t be

So offended when my face says “What that hell are you thinking wearing that in public” if your\

Friends tell you – you look good – get NEW FRIENDS -   

In Traverse this summer - I looked over and saw this woman wearing what was suppose

To be a polka dotted dress - I said large woman should never wear polka dots but imagine

My surprise when out of my smart assed mouth popped = “Large woman should never

Wear “Porkadots”  total slip of the tongue but well you get the picture –

that was a you shouldn’t laugh and drive moment

Another woman was walking down the street in full length fur –

I heard someone comment – whoa – thought she was a deer – almost shot her – maybe we

Really should reconsider the right to carry and who gets to??!?!?

UPS man –

We were shipping packages via UPS from our shop one day -  had them already to go – labels on themwhen the UPS man got there (not our normal one) he says to me “Are those packages for us from you” Uh no… they are for FEDEX – but the label on them says Ship UPS with a tracking # for UPS with our return address on them – sometimes you just GOTTA say hmmmm at the brilliance of hummanity

HI – Im  this boys Mom –

seems I lost my true identity when I was born I then became

So n So's Daughter

Then I became so n sos girlfriend

Then I became husbands wife –

Then I became boy and girls mom – after becoming a parent

you never regain your real identity again

Seems now when we see people in public we are Sons Mom and Dad or if we are seen

Separately we are either sons Mom or Sons Dad – it really happens ask Scotty, ask Heather!

So YES I am said sons Mom-  he comes from a long line of smart asses… not that  - that is always

A good thing but hey our pasts helps to make us who we are today right – let me tell you a bit about the

Past that has made me whom I am today -  

Im sure it started way before this but this is how I remember it;

Growing up and thru my pre/early/late teen years I was tiny –

like when I graduated high school I weighed 99 Lbs soaking wet -  but every Sunday morning I would get

up get dressed for church go downstairs

Crisco –

There would be my dad sitting at the breakfast table saying “Good Morning Crisco” how was your night CRISCO – you know “Fat in the can” -  this coming from the man whose shirt front buttons were hanging on for dear life to one last thread before them became missle launched across the room – seriously watch it Dad you could poke an eye out with those things

Then there was sometime during those stable – secure teen years when I graduated to the nameHorse Hips – I owned a horse at that time I think maybe he was confused as to whose hips were whose-As tempted as I was to show him the difference between a hairy ass and not – I never did It wasn’t until I met a potential boyfriends at one of the church conventions I used to attend with my family that I discovered how much my dad really loved me and loved showing me off to others – This guy says to me that is so cool that your dad carries a picture of you around in his wallet-  I was Shocked and just a wee bit touched till I discovered that the picture my FATHER carried around in His wallet of his ONLY daughter was the back end of a horse (Hips) with its tail braided – Seriously I have the picture –

SHOW PICTURE -I found it in the album my mother made for me when I graduated high school that was displayed at my graduation open house – seriously you can’t make this crap up –

So now I blame my “Crisco” on him – after all your past helps define who you are today right ;-)